Whisper
by WildCherry45
Summary: Set in I Shall Believe. Scene extension. (Nathan & Haley)


Title: Whisper

Author: WildCherry45 (Janet)

Notes: Set in 'I Shall Believe'. Scene extension.

Spoilers: Season 1, ISB.

Disclaimer: As usual, I own nothing. Absolutely nothing. Please pity me and don't sue me. WB & Company own the characters, the episode... heck, they own everything OTH related. Darn them. Matchbox 20 owns the lovely lyric in italics that inspired this story.  
  
_I don't think I can take another empty moment._  
  
--  
  
She had been so sure.  
  
Only a few hours ago, she had been so sure she was right. She had been absolutely positive that she was right, on her own moral high ground, defending her own actions and telling Lucas what he was doing was wrong and unfair. She had been so positive that Nathan was different and special and what Lucas had speculated about him were just lies.  
  
She had been so sure. And, then things came crashing down.  
  
Haley traced her fingers across the counter of the café, her face blank and her eyes dull. She had been so sure. She really had but as she stood there, the palm of her hand flat against the cool, smooth texture of the counter, she realized that everything she had been so sure about only the night before was quickly becoming hazy.  
  
It didn't hit her bit by bit or over a gradual period of time. It all came crashing down all at once. She felt as if someone pushed a boulder over the edge of reality. It had crashed into the depths of her mind and she was still picking up the remnants of what she thought was real. What she thought was the truth. What she thought was right. Only, when she looked at them now, she couldn't decipher them. They were all puzzle pieces and none of them fit. None of it made sense.  
  
That rarely happened with her. She was the logical type. Things always made sense and even when they didn't, she always made them make sense. That was the way she was and that was how she handled things. Now, nothing that she knew held an ounce of rationality and she felt lost. Drowning amongst the lies, the truth was veiled behind a mask. And, she couldn't see it. She couldn't find it and she was lost.  
  
The front door of the café opened and she looked up, the surprise flashing in her eyes before she quickly removed it, seeing who it was. She mentally cursed herself for not locking up before she decided to delve into the mess that managed to pass off as her thoughts. Her eyes narrowed and she settled into the only defense that she knew now. Anger.  
  
"Nathan, I am not in the mood right now, okay?"  
  
She only glanced up at him before quickly diverting her attention away from him. She couldn't let him see because if he did, he would know. He would know that right now she was at her weakest. She was confused and lost. She refused to let him see because if he did... she would just collapse altogether. He had the ability to hurt her deeply now and scar her. While a few hours ago, she would've said that he would never hurt her like that, now, she honestly didn't know. Their beginning had been a lie. What they had now, was that a lie as well? Haley looked down, unable to push down the tears that were beginning to sting her eyes. She closed her eyes tightly before she looked back up at him again, her fists tightening. Her eyes affixed on a white spot on the wall of the café.  
  
Nothing made sense. She wouldn't let him see that though.  
  
He didn't answer her for a moment and Haley had the nagging urge to look at him instead of beyond him. She resisted against it, waiting for him to speak, waiting for him to leave. Waiting for him to do something.  
  
"Lucas is awake."  
  
His words hung in the air for a moment, suspended and Haley could feel the chill rush through her, crashing through the fragile wall that she had built up. She looked at him and she could see the truth in his eyes as he continued.  
  
"I was there when he opened his eyes. I went to see him."  
  
Haley stared at him in disbelief, wonder, fear, confusion.. so many feelings welled up inside of her and she could feel the emotions swirl around inside her, screaming at her, telling her to do something but she couldn't. All she could do was stand and watch as the last bit of her rationality slip away. Things still didn't make sense. Her mouth opened slightly and she looked at him, her eyes teeming with tears, "Why?"  
  
The one word uttered from her lips seemed to be all the encouragement Nathan needed.  
  
"Cause I knew you couldn't."  
  
Her head snapped up at this statement. How did he...  
  
Before she could question it any further, he continued and with each word, it only seemed to stab at her more and more, the pain seeping through her skin, settling in her heart, consuming her, overcoming her.  
  
"I wanted him to know that you were thinking about him. Look I know that it was wrong to go after you for the reasons that I did. I can't apologize for it. I'm glad I did it. I'm not that person anymore. It's because of you. Let me take you to him."  
  
And, then he held out his hand and all she could do was stare at him and then at his outheld hand and then back at him. She was supposed to do something now, she knew. She was supposed to make a choice and do... something. But, she just didn't know what. She didn't know if she was supposed to say yes. If she was supposed to run into his arms, kiss him, hug him. Or was she supposed to push him away?  
  
She didn't know what was right anymore.  
  
And, even if she thought she did, she couldn't trust it. She didn't trust her own judgment anymore because it was all wrong before. She was wrong. And, she couldn't take any more wrong doing. She couldn't afford any more mistakes. Because, mistakes caused pain and hurt. And, if she endured any more pain and hurt, she would fall apart.  
  
Why did it felt like she was already falling?  
  
Haley blinked back her tears as she reached out slowly, her hand trembling as she slowly placed it in Nathan's. She shouldn't be doing this, she knew. He could hurt her. He could hurt her so easily and there was nothing she could do to stop it. He could hurt her and she knew it. But, still, she placed her hand in his, her mind still whirling, considering the repercussions of her actions.  
  
She wanted to place her mind on mute.  
  
She didn't want to think anymore. She just wanted... quiet. She just wanted it to stop. She wanted to stop feeling like someone took a broken piece of glass and stabbed it through her heart. It was still inside and she could feel it, lodged inside of her. If she pushed at the glass too hard, it would break and a piece of it would forever remain inside her. If she didn't push at it hard enough, it would never come out, staining her, piercing her. It was a fine balance.  
  
Her hand was small compared to his. It was one of the things that she always liked about Nathan. His hands. They were big, callous and rough. They were a man's hands and she always felt a sense of protection because of it. She liked the feeling that he gave her. Familiarity. Security.  
  
Was it gone now?  
  
Her mind wouldn't answer. All she felt now was confusion. Pain. Regret. Guilt.  
  
He held her hand in his, a firm and steady grip. He was guiding her and she was letting him, wary of what might happen but still following him. She didn't know if he was lying to her again. She didn't know if he was going to hurt her while she and Lucas were both at their weakest.  
  
She didn't know anything anymore. Nothing was certain.  
  
But, still, she followed him. Was she a fool because of it?  
  
--  
  
Haley stepped out of the café, her hand tugging on his, not letting go but slipping away a bit as she dug her other hand into the pocket of her jeans, pulling out the keys. She closed up in silence before she turned back, looking at him, watching him, her eyes still filled with tears but not one single drop trickled down her skin.  
  
He wanted to reach out, help her, soothe her. Do something to make her stop feeling the pain and guilt he knew she was feeling. He couldn't do any of it though. She was fragile right now and he knew it. He just nodded slightly and continued to lead her to his truck, holding her hand in his.  
  
He didn't want to let go.  
  
She was within reach now and he had grasped her physically and he didn't want to let go. He just wanted to pretend, for a few more moments that things were going to be okay between them beyond this. That everything would be fine and that reality was just a horrible nightmare. That nothing in the past 24 hours actually happened. He was still back in her bed, lying next to her in close proximity, breathing in her scent, finding comfort in the essence that was her. He wanted to go back to that moment, freeze it and remain in that moment for the rest of eternity.  
  
He was still holding onto her hand and she let him. She didn't let go though she didn't cling to him. He simply looked at her and then down to their hands. Their fingers were not intertwined. That was a symbol of trust.  
  
He didn't have hers now.  
  
It stung but he quickly shook it away. He looked at her, gazing at her, trying his best to read her but she was so scrambled and blurry. His brow furrowed and she finally met his gaze. And, then he caught it. It flashed in her eyes before she quickly masked it, her eyes blank once again, filled with tears, but blank nonetheless.  
  
Pain. Guilt. Regret. Confusion.  
  
One look held so much and he suddenly realized that he couldn't even begin to comprehend what she was feeling at the moment. He squeezed her hand gently but firmly, knowing she would understand his meaning.  
  
He let her go.  
  
He was driving now, one hand on the wheel, the other on the seat next to him. His eyes were focused straight ahead. He was trying his best not to look at her though he wanted to desperately. He wouldn't let himself succumb to it though. Because if he did, he would break down. He would pull over on the side of the road and pull her close, hold her and whisper sweet nothings into her ear, letting her cry in his arms. But, he couldn't do that. He needed to let her make the next move now. He had already made his.  
  
So, he focused on driving.  
  
--  
  
Her fingers itched for his touch.  
  
She was sitting next to him now, her eyes firmly affixed on the drive-by scene but her left hand laid on the seat next to her, the right in her lap. He had touched her, held her with the gentlest of touches and what seemed like the briefest of moments. He had touched her, offering him her comfort. Then, he had let go.  
  
She was too tired to question why.  
  
She simply stared at the streets of Tree Hill. Empty. Dark. Blank. It was all blurring in front of her now and she closed her eyes for a moment. The mask of black covered her view and for a moment, things were still. Her hand inched closer to his, the pads of her fingers gently tracing over his knuckles. Her eyes were still closed, she didn't see his reaction. She didn't see his jaw tighten in surprise nor the way he looked at her, his eyes questioning.  
  
Her eyes snapped open. And, there it was, bright and vivid as ever. Reality.  
  
She grabbed his hand tightly, squeezing his fingers together under her grip. He didn't flinch from the pain, instead, letting her hold his hand as he continued to drive. It faded. The sharp edges of reality were still jabbing but less so. She turned back to the window, watching the trees and the yellow lines on the road blur into one moving picture.  
  
Her hand was still placed over his.  
  
--  
  
The color of the door was a mix between white and grey. The door knob was a cool silver. Haley studied it as her grip tightened on Nathan's hand. She still didn't let go. Neither did he. Something called comfort slowly inched its way towards her heart.  
  
Haley stared at the door in front of her, fearing what lied behind it. This was what she was here for but she couldn't make herself move to open it. What would he say? What if he pushed her away? If he so much as looked at her with a negative glance, Haley knew she would break down and she needed to be strong for him. Right now, she was supposed to be strong. He lied physically broken on the hospital bed and she was the one that was supposed to be strong. She was his Hales.  
  
Wasn't she?  
  
Haley visibly paled at that question. She didn't know anymore. Her grip loosened on Nathan's as she felt everything begin to spin. Nathan noticed the change in her and gripped her hand firmly, pulling her closer to him, whispering to her, "It's okay. Everything will be okay."  
  
She wanted to believe him.  
  
Nathan took their hands and placed it on the door knob, leaving it there, letting her make the next move. Her hand twitched and ever so slowly, she turned it. He helped her. And, then the door was open.  
  
She stepped through, still not letting his hand go. She doesn't want to let go. Through tear stained eyes, she saw Brooke getting up and then she saw him.  
  
Lucas.  
  
And, he was smiling.  
  
Haley felt it all began to build up inside of her again, suffocating her and she felt as if she would collapse right there in the middle of the hospital room floor. Fall to her knees, all the control slipping from her. But, then she felt it. Nathan squeezed her hand again, firmly. She looked up at him, into his eyes. And, again, she felt it.  
  
Steady. Firm.  
  
He let her go. And, in that moment, she wanted nothing more then to grab his hand and lose herself in him. But, she couldn't. She turned back to Lucas, walking to his bed slowly, her legs shaky. She sat on the edge of bed.  
  
Nathan's eyes were on her, surrounding her and she could still feel his warmth in the palm of her hand.  
  
She moved closer to Lucas, looking at him, unable to express what she was feeling, what she wanted to say. What did she want to say? What was the right thing to say in a moment like this?  
  
She didn't know. So, she remained quiet.  
  
"Hey, buddy." And, there it was again. That smile. "I missed you."  
  
She looked at him and could only nod weakly. She collapsed and fell into his chest, breathing in the scent of him. Lucas.  
  
She cried.  
  
--


End file.
